"Help! My team don't respect me"
Morning team,
Today we’re talking about a message I got from a manager in corporate last week.
She was CONVINCED her team didn’t respect her, wouldn’t listen, and didn’t care about hitting targets in general.
Being a young manager, when most of my team were older and way more experienced than I was, any time someone:
Turned up to a meeting 5 minutes late
Didn’t hit a deadline
Didn’t take my feedback onboard
My mind would race to “They just don’t respect me at all”.
I would probably then find some way to blame that person for their lack of respect or work ethic, and devoid myself of ALL responsibility somehow.
But over the years, many mistakes and learnings later, I’ve realised there was actually some truth in “They don’t respect me”.
And it was entirely my fault.
How to think about ‘respect’
Growing up I lived in quite a rough mining village in Doncaster, South Yorkshire. The local schools were notoriously awful… Stabbings and all sorts. Then when the time came to go to secondary school, all my friends were going to our local high school.
My mum decided she was sending me to a different high school, still a comp school, and only 20 minutes away, but it was in a slightly nicer village, and was known for getting better grades.
I remember being so, so upset with her. I had no friends there. I thought my life was over at 11. I remember the upset and anger soooo clearly. ‘My mum hates me, my mum doesn’t want me to have any friends!!!!’ I also remember her being really upset too (of course nobody likes to see their kid that sad).
It was a whole thing that went on all Summer.
But still - she never budged on her decision.
Fast forward about 5 years, I get almost all straight As in my final exams, I had the best set friends a young girl (and parent) could ask for… I LOVED school. And I apologised to mum.
I thanked her for not listening to me, and knowing that even though what she did realllllly upset me at the time, she knew it was in my best interest.
This is how you need to think of respect.
Think of one person in your life who you respect highly. Could be a parent, friend, boss, anyone… Now, I BET that person has p*ssed you off multiple times in your life.
Respect isn’t won in moments, it is built slowly.
Over a long period of time. By that person making a series of decisions that may not be the easiest, they may not win the approval, but that truly have your best interests at heart.
^ Me and my besties (who I would have never met if I’d got my own way) at prom
The management respect paradox
As managers, we’ve usually worked our way to promotion by being people pleasers.
We hit all the deadlines, we were early to the office, we didn’t rock the boat too much with our opinions and we got our heads down and did the work.
But being a pathological people pleaser is the exact behavior that will diminish respect with your team.
To gain respect over time, you have to make decisions that may upset them in the moment, but that has their best interest at heart.
Here’s what I ask myself to really build respect with my team:
What feedback do I need to give, that I’m avoiding?
What difficult conversation am I not having?
What decision have I not made yet, because I know it’s going to upset some people?
The growth here lies in all the thing we’re avoiding daily.
Peace,
H